don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
