Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Michael Bay diarrhea
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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