I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
