I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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