My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
