A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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