the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
