my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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