so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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