is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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