so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
