im about as happy as oj after his trial
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
