Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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