highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
