he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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