i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
