if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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