No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
