I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
