Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
