I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
i need some magic done to my vagina
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
