The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
