is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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