found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
