I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
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