he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I love you. Go after that dick
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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