I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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