Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
