the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
