My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
