He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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