True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
