dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
