I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
