I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
