Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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