Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
