i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
