Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
