we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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