My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
