why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
