mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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