god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
