I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
