When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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