i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
