i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
