Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
