hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
