She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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