your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
