My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
